She Felt ‘Unhappy’ in Her Marriage of 17 Years. Her ‘Logical’ Solution Initially ‘Disgusted’ Her Husband (Exclusive)
She Felt ‘Unhappy’ in Her Marriage of 17 Years. Her ‘Logical’ Solution Initially ‘Disgusted’ Her Husband (Exclusive)
Luke ChinmanTue, June 30, 2026 at 10:00 AM UTC
0
Courtney Boyer and husbandCredit: Courtney Boyer (2) -
After 17 years of marriage, Courtney Boyer started dating outside of her primary relationship
At first, Boyer tells PEOPLE, her husband was “disgusted” by the proposition
Now, she says polyamory is what saved her marriage
When Courtney Boyer married her husband at age 22, she had a radically different understanding of relationships than she does now.
The 43-year-old had grown up in a suburb of Seattle, raised in what she calls the “purity culture” of the evangelical Christian church. It was ingrained in her, she tells PEOPLE, to date only to “find a mate” — not merely for fun. She was told to marry early. And she never really enjoyed sex, understanding pleasure as strictly a “reward or a distraction.”
“I experienced shame around most things about myself,” admits Boyer.
For the first decade and a half of her marriage, she was entirely focused on playing the role of the “perfect Christian wife,” she continues. She welcomed three kids, and she was the “ultimate cheerleader” to her husband. But in 2017, shortly after the death of her father, Boyer started to recognize that she was no longer happy.
“I was really starting to burn out,” she says. “Man, I'm doing all of the ‘right things,' and nothing is working. I feel drained. I don't feel fulfilled. I feel disconnected from my husband and myself. And I'm starting to resent my kids.”
Courtney Boyer and HusbandCredit: Courtney Boyer
Shortly before the start of the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020, her family of five relocated from the United States to a small town in Germany. As was common for the area, she joined a local soccer team, often playing alongside male players, many of whom would relentlessly flirt with her on the pitch. And for the first time, the flirting sparked something inside of her: “What would it be like,” she thought to herself, “to be with another man besides my husband?”
But Boyer remained faithful to her husband, initially bottling up those exciting feelings. That was, until the pandemic struck. Her husband traveled on a work trip for seven months, leaving her isolated in small-town Germany with nothing but her thoughts. When he finally got back, she had decided it was time to propose a change.
She asked him the question that would alter their relationship forever: “What if we had a threesome?”
Though polyamory — the practice of having multiple simultaneous sexual or romantic partners — was never something she was taught in her religious upbringing, she had some early exposure to the phenomenon in graduate school, where she studied education and human sexuality. Some of her classmates were queer or in throuples, and though she was “aware” of it, she says she thought she wasn't “interested in that type of thing.”
“I did have inklings of finding myself drawn to other men sexually and being interested, but I was like, ‘Oh, that's adultery. You can't act on that,' ” she says.
Credit: Courtney Boyer
That started to change, however, in the month leading up to her pivotal conversation with her husband.
Boyer knew she loved her husband, knew she wanted to keep their family together, knew that they had many of the same goals, but also knew that she needed to start seeing another partner if their marriage was going to survive.
Advertisement
“I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater just because this area here isn't getting met, ” she said. “It was the most logical thing in my mind. I was like, ‘This is exactly what will save our marriage.' ”
At first, her husband didn't exactly see it the same way.
“He was disgusted,” Boyer recalls of his reaction. “I will never forget that face. He was like, ‘Absolutely not.' ”
Credit: Courtney Boyer
But Boyer was persistent.
Over the next five months, she continued to bring up the idea of her dating another person outside of their relationship. Their days were filled with what she describes as “incredibly raw conversations.” They each saw separate therapists where they wrestled with questions about the role of exclusivity in their relationship, and ever so slowly, he warmed up to the idea.
Even after her husband agreed, Boyer's first entry into the dating world as a married woman was a bit tumultuous. She had no experience in a casual dating culture or any familiarity with online dating. And she was finding it difficult to build something serious with her partners, as many didn't expect commitment from someone who was also married to another partner.
— sign up for PEOPLE's free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories.
Now, about five years later, Boyer has published a memoir and she's opened up about her experience to thousands of followers on Instagram under the handle “The Mono Poly Couple” (a nod to the fact that her husband remains monogamous). And Boyer's been happily dating a new man, whom she met through a mutual friend, since January. He lives in the United Kingdom, so they see each other about once a month.
“His wife knows, obviously my husband knows, and it's just really nourishing,” she says. “It's like having another best friend that you're also sexually attracted to and you go on dates with.”
As for Boyer's husband, she says he's become “incredibly supportive” of their arrangement.
“He just sees the difference in me when I get to be my most authentic self, and I think that's really what it's about,” she tells PEOPLE. “It's being safe enough to be in a relationship where you're celebrated for being your most authentic self.”
on People
Source: “AOL Entertainment”
